Pathetic
I’m so sorry. Just ignore this post - it’s not my usual. But I want to get this down, so that when I’m finally okay again, I can see how far I’ve come. I never doubt that eventually I will be, you know. I’m the strongest person I know - which is quite possibly the thing I hate most about myself. I’ve survived some pretty heinous stuff in my life, which is why it stuns me that I can’t seem to manage this stupid break up.
I literally cry everyday. I really didn’t think it would be this hard. I mean, I only saw him a couple of times a year on a good year. How can I miss someone that I rarely saw? How can it hurt this much? I really underestimated how deeply this went or how much power he had to hurt me. How can I possibly sustain this level of grief? I really do feel like a part of me has died. I’ve seen that phrase before and rolled my eyes, I mean seriously? Oh the drama, right? What is wrong with me? I don’t recognize myself. I don’t think it’s affecting people around me, I know I can be a great actor when called to be. But my 12 year old asked me if I was ok tonight. Why? Cuz I just seem sad to her. I’m worried about my Chicago trip coming up - I’m not sure I can maintain a decent level of outward happy for 6 whole days.
I’m haunted by questions that I’ll never get to ask. Should I have tried harder? Does he need me and I gave up too soon? Did I do the right thing? I’ll never know. I’ve never given up anything like this before. By the end of my marriage, I’d been dead inside for so long that it didn’t hurt - all I felt was relief. But this…this is tearing me up.
I’m exhausted and depressed and I can’t seem to stop crying. God have mercy on me. Only you can make this ok and I’m not hearing anything from you right now.
