Sad and Empty
Today, I am trying to find my inner anger. Desperately. I’d so much rather be angry than…sad. I know there are things I should be angry about - I could list them - but it doesn’t sink in. It’s just a list of wrongs that feel like they’ve happened to someone else. Mostly I just feel this hole - where thinking about you used to make me smile, now I don’t know what to do. I still think of you just as often, but now it’s just…sad. Pathetic. I know.
The thing that kills me the most though, is that I should have seen this coming. There were a million signs over the last few years that pointed to this end, but I always dismissed them. I always believed you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt - I stood up for you to people who love me, who knew that something wasn’t right. It’s what I do. I believed in you. I believed in us. It’s funny because everyone I know thinks I’m such a cynic. Clearly I’m not.
And I was wrong. I feel so stupid, but mostly…empty.
Today, I am broken. But I’ve been broken before and I know I’ll mend. Eventually I’ll be fine and this will be a learning experience and a point of strength just like my marriage was. But for the record, I wish I could be angry - maybe it will come later. I hope it will come later. I’m sad for you, too, you know. Because I’ll mend. You? This is who you are - it will never get any better for you. You will keep people emotionally distant and trust no one, and you will be alone. I am surrounded by people who love and support me because I let them - that’s how I know I’ll get over this, but you never will.
