May 29, 2012
A writer I respect tweeted today, “are you kingdom minded or are you only focussed on your own little kingdom?”  I had an instant, visceral reaction to it. So I read his blog to clarify, and it’s good. it’s about not protecting our gear & our turf but giving generously and making choices that advance the Kingdom. I agree 100% so I’m totally not arguing with that.  I think the above quote was quite misleading and quite dreadful.  Here’s why: Are you kingdom minded or are you only focussed on your own little kingdom? My instant reaction was that only a man would say that. Our own kingdoms are how we change the world.  Every woman I know understands this intrinsically. That’s why, in spite of feminism, in spite of women being better educated and getting great jobs, in spite of the fact that we’ve been told since birth that we can be anything we want…most women are still the primary homemaker/caregiver in their families. Now, many of them are breadwinners too, but women get that it’s the tiny, everyday, small, mundane things that build the future. It’s the fact that I took off work to go to my daughter’s track meet even though she’s only in one event, she’s terrible, and she can’t hear my yell. This changes her world. And by proxy, her children’s world and every person she comes into contact with because she was given a foundation of absolute love.  My tiny little kingdom choice, changes the Kingdom. I am great friends with with people of both genders on Facebook and it’s really an insightful look into people. The women post photos of family with captions about building memories, and perfect moments- tiny little kingdom moments. The men talk politics, philosophy and have GREAT BIG KINGDOM thoughts. There are always exceptions and aberrations, but that’s the general trend. Isn’t is wonderful?  We need both.

A writer I respect tweeted today, “are you kingdom minded or are you only focussed on your own little kingdom?”  I had an instant, visceral reaction to it. So I read his blog to clarify, and it’s good. it’s about not protecting our gear & our turf but giving generously and making choices that advance the Kingdom. I agree 100% so I’m totally not arguing with that.  I think the above quote was quite misleading and quite dreadful.  Here’s why:

Are you kingdom minded or are you only focussed on your own little kingdom?

My instant reaction was that only a man would say that. Our own kingdoms are how we change the world.  Every woman I know understands this intrinsically. That’s why, in spite of feminism, in spite of women being better educated and getting great jobs, in spite of the fact that we’ve been told since birth that we can be anything we want…most women are still the primary homemaker/caregiver in their families.

Now, many of them are breadwinners too, but women get that it’s the tiny, everyday, small, mundane things that build the future. It’s the fact that I took off work to go to my daughter’s track meet even though she’s only in one event, she’s terrible, and she can’t hear my yell. This changes her world. And by proxy, her children’s world and every person she comes into contact with because she was given a foundation of absolute love.  My tiny little kingdom choice, changes the Kingdom.

I am great friends with with people of both genders on Facebook and it’s really an insightful look into people. The women post photos of family with captions about building memories, and perfect moments- tiny little kingdom moments. The men talk politics, philosophy and have GREAT BIG KINGDOM thoughts. There are always exceptions and aberrations, but that’s the general trend. Isn’t is wonderful? 

We need both.

May 26, 2012
My music is a mess. Most of my mp3s are on my PC.  But I’ve bought some with Amazon over the years (so they are in the cloud at Amazon). A handful are on the Mac laptop. I have an iPhone and a Kindle Fire.  Each with different libraries of music.  Here’s what I want to do: Clean out my existing library of mp3s. Get rid of all the garbage that was one-time use stuff (there’s alot of that in my job) that I don’t want in regular rotation for listening.  Go through my existing CDs and rip what I want into digital formats and get rid of the physical media. Download all random mp3s that are in the cloud in various places and put everything in one place. Implement a backup strategy so that if something catastrophic happens, I don’t lose all my music. Clean up all the tags on my now comprehensive collection. Find a platform that allows me to sync/stream/play my music from any of my devices: Mac, PC, Linux (Boxee), iOs & Android. It also needs to stay updated, so if I decide I hate a song and delete it from my PC, it removes it from all of the media. If I reorganize a playlist on one medium, those changes are reflected in another. It seems to me that a cloud based storage system will work the best at being universally accessible and sync-able. But I’m certainly open to suggestions.  Have you guys found anything that works like this??  I can’t be the only one!   I’m thinking of investigating Google Music, and Amazon Player first. Anything less mainstream that does this sort of thing?

My music is a mess. Most of my mp3s are on my PC.  But I’ve bought some with Amazon over the years (so they are in the cloud at Amazon). A handful are on the Mac laptop. I have an iPhone and a Kindle Fire.  Each with different libraries of music. 

Here’s what I want to do:

  1. Clean out my existing library of mp3s. Get rid of all the garbage that was one-time use stuff (there’s alot of that in my job) that I don’t want in regular rotation for listening. 
  2. Go through my existing CDs and rip what I want into digital formats and get rid of the physical media.
  3. Download all random mp3s that are in the cloud in various places and put everything in one place.
  4. Implement a backup strategy so that if something catastrophic happens, I don’t lose all my music.
  5. Clean up all the tags on my now comprehensive collection.
  6. Find a platform that allows me to sync/stream/play my music from any of my devices: Mac, PC, Linux (Boxee), iOs & Android. It also needs to stay updated, so if I decide I hate a song and delete it from my PC, it removes it from all of the media. If I reorganize a playlist on one medium, those changes are reflected in another.

It seems to me that a cloud based storage system will work the best at being universally accessible and sync-able. But I’m certainly open to suggestions.  Have you guys found anything that works like this??  I can’t be the only one!   I’m thinking of investigating Google Music, and Amazon Player first. Anything less mainstream that does this sort of thing?

May 20, 2012

Mostly

I love the people, mostly.
I am surrounded by people
People who say the right things
who hug me laugh with me work with me play with me
And I enjoy them very much and our relationships are good
and I know that I had a part in that
and it pleases me

I love the work, mostly
I love the impact the touch the serving
I love the smiles I see and the tears I see and the sighs I hear
when people leave the room
and I know that I had a part in that
and it fills me

I love the kids, mostly
They are really almost fully baked
and I have such huge feelings knowing that
knowing that my time being the center of the world for them is almost over
that they are who they will be
that they are fine and smart and loving and thinking and
wonderful and they will be fine
and I know that I had a part in that
and it saturates me

I love God, mostly
although the stance his people take angers me
and it alienates some that I love
to the point that they no longer believe
for they cannot see God through the fools that follow him.
and I rail at the powers that I can
and feel so so so impotent
what can I do? I am so small
and sometimes all that is left to do is pray
pray that I have not been a part of that
and it grieves me

Tonight I am so filled with the swirling emotions
that seem to rack me at times
I miss him, but I long for him, but I ache for him
each a different him, but somehow, tonight
all the same
and Jesus gets rolled up into the same place in my head
in my heart
somehow
I love him, but I don’t always understand him
I try to communicate, to bridge that gap, but I find he feels so so far away.
I know he’s there - somewhere - and I know he loves me
But just like every other man in my life
it often feels like seems like they don’t love me
not the way I need or want or wish
even when I know the love is there

Faith is hard

longing, sadness, joy, peace, confusion, hope, love, fear, pain, anger
all one big ball of pulsing emotion
and it exhausts me

but tomorrow
I will get up out of bed
even though I don’t want to

I will run to condition my body
even though I don’t want to

I will read to condition my mind
even though I don’t have time

and I will love to condition my heart
even though it hurts

Because I know that love wins
mostly

May 20, 2012

I am, in fact, washing down my allergy medicine (Zyrtec) tonight with OJ & Rum. With a chaser of Benadryl. Just thought you all should know.

April 29, 2012

Bucket List

Lifehacker (my favorite website) had this post today:

http://lifehacker.com/5905835/top-10-highly+desired-skills-you-can-teach-yourself

and I realized that it was a bunch of stuff on my bucket list. I need to get started on it.

  1. Repair just about anything
  2. Get better at photography
  3. Learn to defend yourself
  4. Improve your design skills
  5. Build and hack electronic hardware
  6. Play a new instrument
  7. Cook like a Pro
  8. Become Fluent in a new language
  9. Learn to code

Cool, huh?

April 22, 2012

DIY Carpet freshning

I have three cats (don’t ask). Two of them eat plastic. I don’t know why. Like if I leave out a plastic bag from the grocery store, they will find it and try to eat it. There’s more little plastic bits in our house than you would think, so I’m always wrestling it away from them. But I am not home all day and so sometimes they get away with it. How do I know? Because it makes them throw up. I am always coming home to little packages of plastic infused kitty vomit. On my white carpet. Why ANYONE would want white carpet is beyond me, but it came with the house.

I just spent about an hour cleaning up little stains that have accumulated in various places over the last month and my carpet is now clean and fresh and looking good. For today anyway. Darn cats.

I did it with no chemicals. And it was WAY easy. Here’s how:

  1. I sprinkled baking soda heavily on the spots and lightly everywhere else.
  2. Then I did a light spray of vinegar over the whole carpet.
  3. Then I used my handy rubber floor cleaner (It’s the best, you MUST get one) and gently massaged the baking soda into the carpet. Lightly. This is not a scrubbing thing.
  4. Wait for a bit. I gave it about 10 minutes because I had to fold the laundry. There’s no science to this waiting time.
  5. Vacuum.

Boom, that’s it. No stains. No odor, no scrubbing and no nasty chemicals. #win

April 22, 2012

Loved Kensington Streaming - Kensington Church (via Boxee)

April 10, 2012

I Will Fix You.

Kensington’s Easter Service this year was titled “Reverse the Irreversible”. It was lovely and compelling and I am confident that it changed lives for the better, just not for me. I write this in the hope that it will be of value - comfort or clarity - to those who are in the same boat as I am.

All of the imagery of the day was to underscore how God can fix anything.  Coldplay’s “Fix You” lead into a drama about a woman who’s marriage had been repaired by God. The video and the trailers for the service all featured slow-mo shots of shattered pottery coming back together. Lovely. Yes, and absolutely true. For all those who are thinking that I missed the point - I promise you, I didn’t. I know that sometimes God absolutely restores marriages, that sometimes he bolsters up relationships. And maybe He’s fixed you. There is, however, danger in thinking that this is always true, for where does it leave those of us that He’s chosen to leave broken? What are we to make of our failed marriages, rebellious children, lost homes?

It’s a rather distressing place to be, but I’ve discovered a secret. I like being broken.

Maybe that is a weird way to put it, maybe appreciate is a better word choice, but I have never been drawn to scenes of perfection.  The Thomas Kinkaid style - the delicate china - the white flowers in your hair - the happy ever after movies…these all leave me feeling unsettled and unsatisfied. I like chunky pottery with obvious flaws, mis-matched furniture, and crab grass in my yard. I like things organic, gritty and real.

People are the same - show me your flaws and I will like you better for it! Perhaps this colors my belief that Jesus didn’t always come to make broken people whole. Sometimes He came to make broken people beautiful.

There are broken relationships, missed opportunities and poor choices scattered all through my history. But each one has added to the canvas of who I am, why I am. I am broken in ways that will never heal. But the miracle of His love is that I’m still valuable, useful, desirable.

I’ve always loved Danny’s song “Beautiful Things” which they did right after the drama. But I’m just not convinced that being whole or fixed or reversed - whatever - is part of being beautiful.

I think being broken is beautiful.

March 25, 2012

Sorry

Gee, I’m sorry that my work schedule makes it difficult for you to buy plane tickets. How bout I quit the job that provides a house, heat, clothing, food for your children so that it doesn’t inconvenience you and we’ll just live on the tiny child support that you don’t pay consistently, k?

Jerk.

March 19, 2012

Did a guided meditation on the Xbox tonight. It’s either really brilliant or really creepy.

March 12, 2012

Silver Lining

The ONLY positive thing about dealing with my ex-husband is that it makes me constantly grateful to be divorced.

February 13, 2012

Being Poor

This guy’s language is atrocious. But what he’s saying is spot on. It’s an almost exact mirror of what goes on in my head every day.

February 2, 2012

$2/day for food

We were challenges at an all-staff meeting today to try to live on $2/day for food as part of our Hole In The Gospel series. I did the math - 3 people, 30 days, $2/day - $180 dollars for a month of food.

My family’s regular grocery budget is $108 a month. In America. On the salary I get from KCC.

January 6, 2012

I’ve been swimming for so long that it’s not fun anymore. Every once in a while the water calms enough for me to take a couple of strokes in what seems like the right direction. It’s hard to know though, when you can’t see a shore anywhere. It’s been a long time since I felt like I was making any progress. I’ve just been treading water lately. And now it feels like the undertow’s got me. I don’t want to drown, but there’s something so seductive about the idea to just let go.

What I really want right now is a cigarette.

December 18, 2011 • 1 note • bryanwillmert
bryanwillmert: Detroit! (Taken with instagram)

bryanwillmert:

Detroit! (Taken with instagram)